robyn's blog

it's a shame that i do not get to update here more often, but usually, things continue to be on the up and up and reading them back always makes me feel good.

24. in just over a week, i will occasionally repeat to people this number when they ask me my age. i feel a little bewildered, and a little lost. where did 23 go... i mean, i dont recall ONE time that i was asked my age and i repeated, `23`. Actually, 22, and 21, and even 20 dont bring any particular significance either. could possibly be the fact that my extreme narcissism drowned out any forms of conversation, although how intense could a conversation about age really get. i just feel like im not ready to say `24`yet.

i had forgotten how lonely life is when you try too hard. try too hard to hide your past and try too hard to become a NEW person. the last year has proven to me that my life similar to a rodent, although it sometimes shames me, has also opened the path to make me the NEW person that im searching to become. While using, i believed in my head that friends existed to me and that if i constantly placed myself in the middle of the action, i would never be alone. true, it was, in a sense, but not in the sense that i wanted.

its time. the time ive been dreading. my job program, aka, my piggy bank, has finally come to an end. i was expecting it to run through until october, and one month ago, i got the awful truth that it would be ending as of August 2nd. Thats tomorrow. it forced me to change all of my carefully thought out planning, and sort of, downsize it, if i can say that. it also helped to slowly murder that ever-searched, almost-found motivation that i so grudgingly spoke about in a previous blog.

its summer again. yep, summer 2007. i have a feeling this summer is gunna be like none in the past. avoiding booze, random sex, and most importantly, dope, i fear for an almost boring summer. but does boring always have to be bad. boring can be sitting in the park all day, under the sun, with my paper and pencil, taking breaks to throw a ball to dora, or watch her stalk every squirrel that feels the need to get within a 100 foot radius. thats how i spent the entire weekend that just passed. wearing much less clothes than im comfortable wearing, but its pretty damn muggy.

its been five months passed and forty pounds gained since i began my ever so relaxing life on methadone. ive taken my dose every single day at the pharmacy since it began. i cant lie, ive used maybe a total of ten times since, but whats progress without a little relapse. although im definitly not running around, forcing my money into the pockets of dealers and scumbags, my money is definitly not being saved up in my little piggybank on the table. aside from dope, the next cheapest and accessible thing to put my money into is food.