pain
Ive been thinking lately,on how the smallest of things that we cherish in life are also the most important.Ive been stuck in a terrible rut that is my own fault yet its like a blanket that i use to cover myself... I feel nothing but pain in my soul,my body is weak and tired,i seem to have nothing.....is it really my fault i wonder??
every year passes and i am the same,stuck in the same place with the same people.... I had something good once, this time last year i was the happiest person in the world i had ....her.....i had everything because of that... i threw it away like everything else, i loved it more than anything in the world and i discarded it because i was tooo scared of losing it,but i lost it because of my own stupid weakness......i dont know what i mean by all of this but i feel as if my end is near.....truth is nothing to me anymore all anyone does is lie and steal from one another.... all i know is that i threw away my only chance of happiness.....AND FOR WHAT@!!!!!! Nothing.............now i am nothing........I am lost,,,,a ghost of myself without that which made me whole...........you
without fear or passion
Dale.
It is not your fault Dale. Life can be beautiful, horrible, inspiring and cruel - it is up to us to take as much as we can from all of our experiences and move forward.
We all make mistakes - we all have regrets - but you can learn from those stumbles and actively make your life better.
If you look at some of the blogs and videos on this site, you'll see that the world is not just full of liars and stealers. There are others who want to help, who want to heal, who want to do good.
You have not thrown away your once chance of happiness. You have it in you to make your life - the lives of others - better, happier, and more rewarding. You just have to make the effort and take the first steps.
Feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to talk.
Courage DAle!
It really is hard to pick yourself up by the bootstraps when it's been a while. But there is still hope, there is always hope... You need to remember what it's like to be happy, one baby fuckin' step at a time! so pick some little something you can do to make yourself feel good about yourself, some action of taking care of yourself, and when you accomplish it (it might take some time) dwell on that feeling, let it fill up a little of the void, and strive for it, and try to build on it.
Power is given only to those who dare to lower themselves and pick it up.
i will echo the comments made by both chris and anya and add a little.
the trick is to find what you felt with 'her', within you. when you can pull that from within yourself it makes it easier to keep that which you feel makes you happy, a relationship, work, a dog, a band, a house, whatever it is that is important to you. it is that whole theory of being happy with yourself so that you can be happy with someone else. it puts alot of pressure on the relationship or the job or the whatever if that is the only thing that makes you complete.
as for the issue of fault, that theory has never fit for me. we all have experiences that we wish didn't happen caused either by shit luck or poor decisions, but they make us who we are, they make us stronger and smarter. Focus on moving forward, not in regret.
i am not sure what you mean when you said you feel your end is near. my hope is that you are not ready to give up, you have reached out on this site which means you still care and reaching out is the furthest thing away from weakness, it takes courage and strength.
by reading this post and some of your previous ones i get the sense you are an intelligent and caring person with the ability to acknowledge and express emotions, honesty, and hope. those qualities shine through just in your words, so i am sure you have many other strengths and gifts. focus on these. surround yourself with positive people who remind you of the person you are.
in case suicide is something on your mind, i want to say this to you, having had many people close to me commit suicide, and having organized and attended many memorial services, one thing remains consistent in every single one of them. people who felt unloved, and alone were very much cared for, and very much loved. it always strikes me that as i sit in a memorial people share their care and love, and the person is dead, they never get to hear it. find the people that care for you now, reach out and talk to people about how you are feeling now, tell the ones close to you that you care for them now.
below is three videos made by youth members of this site talking about how suicide has impacted their lives. i would encourage you to watch them all.
http://www.homelessnation.org/en/node/5610
http://www.homelessnation.org/en/node/5612
http://www.homelessnation.org/en/node/5636
i noticed that on your profile you list that you are in vancouver, perhaps our paths have crossed at some point ( i worked at sys for many years) e-mail me if you want to chat more, if you are still in van we could go for coffee. you can reach me at jkelly.homelessnation@gmail.org
continue to be strong, remind yourself of the positive things, the people who care, the things that keep you going. negative thought is easy to get stuck in and you will always find a reason to think things are hopeless. your challenge is to stand up and fight for the only thing that really matters...you.
Hey Dale...thanks for reaching out and posting on H/N.as you can see already its a great resource to get connected to people who have been there and who can offer help,I would also like to extend my service and ear if you want to chat:
jhock.homelessnation.gmail.com
know that your not alone..Peace be with you...J>H