Lost
Fuck... Thats about as much energy I have to express how I feel now days. I feel fucked up, I don't see much reason to hope, and I don't know what to do, or where to go anymore.
For the last 2 years my life has consisted of going to work, come home, eat, sleep, and if I can goto an AA or NA meeting. I can keep doing this routine for months but eventually I get hit with depression. I look around at my life and love how all my computer skills are collecting dust as I never get to use them. I hate how I'm stuck working as a cashier at a gas station for min wage because its the only job willing to hire someone off the streets. But at least its a job eh? Then usually once my depression is in full swing my sleep and eating goes out the window. So I'll run a few weeks on next to no sleep, eating once a day & trying just to keep myself from freaking out at work. Then bam, WTF is the point in working a stupid min wage job, if all I make is enough to keep a roof over my head, eat once a day & afford a bus pass to get to work & meetings. Wow such a great life. People ask why i'm depressed. Lets see, I have no clean & sober friends who support me in bettering my life. Everyone I know is a drug addict or drug dealer. I spend months at a time trying to avoid my old friends and make some new friends. (Changing my playground) And after months of this, I still come home to stare at the 4 walls of my room & wonder if my life will ever get better. Will I ever have a friend who I can just be myself with, or will I always have to pretend to be perfect for everyone. Who can accept me for who I am? Oh ya, no one. So after 4 months of being clean & sober, and lonely as can be. I caved relapsed for 2 months, and am still in the same boat. I have a room that I can keep if I can make rent by the end of the month. I have a min wage job that wants me back as soon as I "feel" better. And I still feel like putting a gun in my mouth & pulling the trigger. I know that I can work hard & get ahead and make my life better. I just lack the motivation to do so because my life has been shit for so long. I don't see any reason to try to make my life better anymore as everyone has given up on me & I've pretty much given up on myself.
*sigh*
you are not alone. i am really glad you choose to reach out to your community. the first thing i want to say is what amazing work you have been doing, staying clean for 4 months is a huge accomplishment (even with a relapse) you need to be proud of this.
i would encourage you to go back to meetings, why? because it is there you can find community, it is there you can find hope and it is there you can connect to others who can provide proof that things will get better. get a sponsor so you have someone to talk to and someone to help motivate you.
you are being pretty hard on the clean and sober you. i am guessing it took more than 4 months to get deep into your addiction and street involvement, it is going to take more than 4 months to get out of it.
it sounds like you stabilized your life a bit, but then were left wondering 'is this it'? no, that's not it, it is just the beginning. you do the shit job for a bit, get a reference and move forward toward what sounds like a goal of working with computers. you take small steps forward, and avoid the steps back. you stay clean and you rely on other things to get you through the tough times (like maybe writing considering you seem to have a gift expressing yourself) you put down the gun and you look forward. cause you are worth it, because there are people who care about you, because i am guessing those people at your meeting notice when you don't show up, because you are obviously a good person, one who's boss will take them back, this means you must have made some sort of impression. it means that you give people a reason not to give up on you.
i know it can seem like you try so hard, only to end up with shit. but hang on, life is still waiting for you. hold steadfast to your goals and your dreams. if you can get off the street, keep housing, stay sober for 4 months and hold down a job you hate...can't you see that you can do anything. especially if it is something you want!
giving up is the easy route. stand tall. get what you deserve, carve out the life you want and be patient, it is gonna take more than a few months.
a last thought that may help. when you are feeling like giving up start looking at what you do have, instead of what you don't. then look at how many of those things you have created for yourself. be proud. attitude can make the difference between a shit day and a grateful day.
yes,just to echo what Janelle was saying..please look at the things that are working for you,also the time you spent in addiction was more than four months so its going to take more than four months to get out of it..Look too your community for support and yes people will notice that you are not in the A.A.group or N.A group...Thanks for reaching out here,thanks to the homeless communtiy for allowing this medium to be up for this peticular reason..for people to reach out ask for advice,to share with others to support others to just be there for others whether they want feed back or not sometimes its just good to write out what's going on inside to open up and let it move around freely and not be bottled up ...So please do work on carving your life the way you would like to see it shaped up,drop the gun idea and pick up tools that will propell your life forward and gain the skills that, you will be the one offering the guidence to the LOst Ones.All my Respect..JH