lookin good

i had forgotten how lonely life is when you try too hard. try too hard to hide your past and try too hard to become a NEW person. the last year has proven to me that my life similar to a rodent, although it sometimes shames me, has also opened the path to make me the NEW person that im searching to become. While using, i believed in my head that friends existed to me and that if i constantly placed myself in the middle of the action, i would never be alone. true, it was, in a sense, but not in the sense that i wanted. yes, i was always surrounded by people, and YES there was always something going on that i could preoccupy myself with. however, when the party was over and the sun begun to rise, curling up in a stinky sleeping bag alone was just that... LONELY. at rare times, i would find a significant other, not always a boy-girl friend, but a person that i would split with, sleep with, pann with, and just sit with. it never lasted long. drugs always made sure of that. at the time, it didnt occur to me that it was a problem that I HAD provided. In this last year, yes ive been completely drug-free (with the xception of methadone) but i have yet to find a SINGLE person to spend my days with, spend my thoughts with, spend my time with, without feeling emptier and lonlier than i had before. i have my dog, dora, and believe me, i LIVE for her more than myself, but as a human, i crave human activity and the human touch, and its something ive missed for close to two years. once a month, dan stays over and we talk for hours, but it doesnt satisfy me. he leaves, and im alone again. even at school, ive met tens of people my age, with my interests, yet i cant find a way to make myself similar enough to them to hang out, or grab a coffee, or watch a movie, or do the great things that NORMAL people tend to do in a NORMAL day. i expected invitations and nights out, but when it really comes down to it, i feel MUCH more comfortable alone, with dora, at home, relaxing and being alone. the contradiction dirves my mind wild.